Right now I’m talking my friend Rowena through a problem relationship. When I say, “problem” I mean “oh my god how screwed up do you want your life to be???”
Here’s the rough sketch:
- Rowena is dating her cousin, Rudolph.
- Rowena is dating her cousin Rudolph, who is engaged to Charlene.
- Rowena is dating her cousin Rudolph who is engaged to Charlene with whom he is living.
To make matters even more icky:
- Rowena works with Rudolph.
- Rowena works with Charlene.
- Rowena also works with Rudolph’ father, mother and sister – her uncle, aunt and cousin, as well as Charlene.
So, I think most of us would agree there are several confusing issues at stake here. For instance: How did a guy named Rudolph manage to snag one women, much less two of them?
“I’m ninety-eight percent over him,” Rowena says, “I keep waiting for the love to reignite, but it doesn’t. He’s weak. He’s selfish. He’s a child.”
“So, I know you told him how unhappy you are, but have you actually said the words, ‘I’m leaving’?”
“No. What I have told him is that I hate being the other woman. I feel unappreciated. I feel dirty. I want things to change.”
“So what does he say then?”
“He gets sad.” Rudolph says he wants Rowena to stay with him, but he can’t possibly leave Charlene. He needs her to help pay his rent.
Rowena helpfully points out that Rudolph has been working alongside his father for years. Everyone knows that one day he will take over the (very successful) family business.
Unmoved by the obvious, Rudolph repeats that Charlene has more money than Rowena.
This might be a good place to pause and reflect on conversations in which Rowena’s dad reminds her that infidelity runs in Rudolph’s family – his father always has kept at least one lover on the side. For years Rudolph’s mom ignored it. When she got wise she threatened to leave, but didn’t. Finally, she accepted it. His grandfather had two wives and two families, concurrently, while maintaining a home for at least one other woman on the side. Similar stories are told of other uncles, great-uncles, great-great grandfathers, on back to the Garden of Eden. The advantage of dating your cousin, I guess, is that you know what kind of family shit you’re getting into.
“Damn.” Rowena says. “So I may not be the only other woman.”
“Very possibly,” I say.
“Ninety-eight percent of me has already left him,” Rowena laments. “It’s just that last two percent that keeps me hanging on.”
Two percent. You know how a computer will try to download a big file -- and it will be going fine for a while, and then get down to that last two percent and stop? Try downloading again the same thing happens. The computer just can’t do it. That two percent may seem close, like “almost done,” but two percent away from a download is the same as two percent away from ending a messed-up relationship. It may just lock up. Never move beyond that.
“Rowena, if you don’t leave him, at some point he’s going to marry Charlene. Then you’ll be sleeping with a married man.” I say. “And he’ll still be your cousin.”
“That will make the family reunions uncomfortable,” she admits. “I’m two percent away from leaving him.”
“Yeah, I know, Honey.” I say. “It's that last two percent that can get ya.”